Sex was always a very negative thing for me.
Making jokes about sex, even when my baby sisters are out of the house, is not allowed in my house.
My parents don't even want to begin to think that I'd have sex, so it's a good thing I came to the conclusion that it'd be best for me personally to wait anyway.
But why not? Why can't I enjoy one of the only unambiguously wonderful things that humanity has to offer?
Well, I'm not going to blame my parents, who I love here; this is much more of a societal problem.
Sex is negative.
Those who experimented early with sex were always viewed as "cool," or "rebellious" in the same way that the kid who spray-painted a swear-word on the middle-school bathroom's mirror was also called "cool" and "rebellious." We liked (or hated) them because they were bad and did bad, risky things that society didn't like.
Sex takes on a punitive aspect for many people very early on in their lives. Children caught masturbating are quickly reprimanded, grade-school sweethearts cannot- under any circumstances- play with the doors closed, and high schoolers listen for creaking steps and opening garages to avoid "being caught." It's like it's some sort of crime to do what nature commands us to do.
And don't even get me started on the ridiculous emphasis -internalized by many young women especially- that "the first time has to be special," and that one should "only have sex with someone you love."
Oh, please. All this does is create insane guilt complexes for young people who are going to have sex anyway, and it leaves many unprepared and unprotected when opportunities to have sex arise outside of these ridiculous idealistic boundaries.
So let's make sex positive, or better yet, neutral.
Many women have worked tirelessly to promote what is now often called the "sex positive" movement. Most of the literature I've had the privilege of reading comes from blogs and websites that encourage young women to take control of their sex lives and take back the stigma that leaves many young women (who have just as high of, if not higher, libidos than men) branded as "sluts."
For me, personally, this model will never work. I have come too far down the line of sex negativity and hokum idealism to ever be able to break free from the bonds of society. Doing so would make me (not to mention my parents) utterly miserable.
But it's not too late for the next generation.
Since I am not, by any means, the best mouthpiece for the sex-positive movement, I think the best way to convey my beliefs in this brave- but ideally unnecessary- wave is to detail how I plan to teach my children about sex and sexuality.
Six points:
(Please feel free to critique or point out any flaws you might find in this model. It is, after all, a work in progress...I don't plan to have children anytime soon!)
These are pretty much the six most basic tenants of my model, but I think it's also important to, at least in some ways, practice what you preach.
I may not be a rabid celebrity follower, but this example of how celebrity couple Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt deal with the topic of sex with their growing brood of children is especially heartwarming:
"[Despite a highly public life, the] movie megastars make sure to get their private time, too.
"There are no secrets at our house," Pitt laughed. "We tell the kids, 'Mom and Dad are going off to kiss.' They go, 'Eww, gross!' But we demand it." (Huffington Post)
Personally, I can't think of a better way to deal with making sex an everyday, common phenomenon than to tell children that it's something that their parents do on a regular basis- albeit in a discreet way that still allows parents to maintain their privacy.
Although I'm sure I'll make mistakes with my children, sex-ed is definitely not an area in which I want to, or can afford to, mess up. If our society is ever going to break the bell-jar that makes sex taboo, I think it needs to start at home. Then, and only then, might we live to see the day when sex is positive.
Making jokes about sex, even when my baby sisters are out of the house, is not allowed in my house.
My parents don't even want to begin to think that I'd have sex, so it's a good thing I came to the conclusion that it'd be best for me personally to wait anyway.
But why not? Why can't I enjoy one of the only unambiguously wonderful things that humanity has to offer?
Well, I'm not going to blame my parents, who I love here; this is much more of a societal problem.
Sex is negative.
Those who experimented early with sex were always viewed as "cool," or "rebellious" in the same way that the kid who spray-painted a swear-word on the middle-school bathroom's mirror was also called "cool" and "rebellious." We liked (or hated) them because they were bad and did bad, risky things that society didn't like.
Sex takes on a punitive aspect for many people very early on in their lives. Children caught masturbating are quickly reprimanded, grade-school sweethearts cannot- under any circumstances- play with the doors closed, and high schoolers listen for creaking steps and opening garages to avoid "being caught." It's like it's some sort of crime to do what nature commands us to do.
And don't even get me started on the ridiculous emphasis -internalized by many young women especially- that "the first time has to be special," and that one should "only have sex with someone you love."
Oh, please. All this does is create insane guilt complexes for young people who are going to have sex anyway, and it leaves many unprepared and unprotected when opportunities to have sex arise outside of these ridiculous idealistic boundaries.
So let's make sex positive, or better yet, neutral.
Many women have worked tirelessly to promote what is now often called the "sex positive" movement. Most of the literature I've had the privilege of reading comes from blogs and websites that encourage young women to take control of their sex lives and take back the stigma that leaves many young women (who have just as high of, if not higher, libidos than men) branded as "sluts."
For me, personally, this model will never work. I have come too far down the line of sex negativity and hokum idealism to ever be able to break free from the bonds of society. Doing so would make me (not to mention my parents) utterly miserable.
But it's not too late for the next generation.
Since I am not, by any means, the best mouthpiece for the sex-positive movement, I think the best way to convey my beliefs in this brave- but ideally unnecessary- wave is to detail how I plan to teach my children about sex and sexuality.
Six points:
(Please feel free to critique or point out any flaws you might find in this model. It is, after all, a work in progress...I don't plan to have children anytime soon!)
- Sex is something that people do. It's just as natural as breathing, sleeping, eating, and all sorts of other things that people do.
- Sex is fun, healthy, and good for you so long as all involved consent and are protected.
- You should only have sex if you want to. You can always say "no," and if someone doesn't listen to you, they are breaking the law.
- You can have sex with whomever you want. As long as you want to, and they want to, and all involved are adults, this does not matter. Things like race, gender, and age (of the adult) do not matter.
- You can have sex with people that you don't love, but having sex with people that you do love will probably be more enjoyable for you.
- You must be protected during sex. Even though sex is a fun and good thing, you can still catch diseases or cause a pregnancy while having sex. Unless you are willing to raise a child, use a condom and/or birth control.
These are pretty much the six most basic tenants of my model, but I think it's also important to, at least in some ways, practice what you preach.
I may not be a rabid celebrity follower, but this example of how celebrity couple Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt deal with the topic of sex with their growing brood of children is especially heartwarming:
"[Despite a highly public life, the] movie megastars make sure to get their private time, too.
"There are no secrets at our house," Pitt laughed. "We tell the kids, 'Mom and Dad are going off to kiss.' They go, 'Eww, gross!' But we demand it." (Huffington Post)
Personally, I can't think of a better way to deal with making sex an everyday, common phenomenon than to tell children that it's something that their parents do on a regular basis- albeit in a discreet way that still allows parents to maintain their privacy.
Although I'm sure I'll make mistakes with my children, sex-ed is definitely not an area in which I want to, or can afford to, mess up. If our society is ever going to break the bell-jar that makes sex taboo, I think it needs to start at home. Then, and only then, might we live to see the day when sex is positive.
